


Glass Therapy

by existential1rony



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hopeful Ending, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Post-Loss, Tearjerker, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27871185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/existential1rony/pseuds/existential1rony
Summary: How does one move on? It's an age old question. Especially after a devastating blow. Hurt dissipates with time, but it's always somewhere just under the surface. Can Jay be pulled through his when the one person who used to help him no longer can? Hailey had been his bright hope once... is it even still possible now? (Vague synopsis due to spoilers.)
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 49
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

Jay Halstead had been married to Hailey Upton for two years now. It was the best two years of his life, not including the year they were together prior to tying the knot, and the four years before that where they had been work partners and friends. They had taken a long and winding road to get here, but he wouldn't change a thing. It took Hailey being offered a job across the country with the FBI that kicked them into gear. They finally realized they wouldn't be able to be without the other and Hailey decided to stay home in Chicago right where she belonged. It worked for them. Besides, their romantic feelings aside, both knew they could never leave their unit or their sergeant, who had all become family in their own right over the years. In fact, Hank Voight, their sergeant, was the first person they had announced their engagement to; he was so happy for them. Yes, they had all come a long way over the years.

Their first year together they had both kept waiting for the ball to drop on them working so closely together while now being romantically involved. Work place romances had not gone in either of their favors in the past. But to their surprising delight, the ball never dropped. They had been so incredibly close, tied by a special bond, with hidden feelings for the other for so many years prior that it was as if nothing changed when they finally made the big leap into an actual relationship. The sayings seemed to be true, if you want a marriage to work, marry your best friend. Some may think that they'd get sick of another person if they worked with them constantly AND lived with them, but not Jay and Hailey. Those things just made them stronger. It sometimes annoyed their coworkers to no end to see how well they worked, but only because they were deliriously pleased for them.

In fact, it was finally the weekend of a rare quiet week for the above and some were hankering to celebrate as they were leaving at 4pm on a FRIDAY in May. Adam Ruzek, Kevin Atwater, and Kim Burgess, now all detectives too, were planning their night out. Along with their Sergeants, Voight and Trudy Platt, and their newest member, Leonard 'Leo' Shaw who joined the team a year ago. He was young and had actually been taken in by a mentoring Kevin. They had met on the streets a few years prior when Leo was hanging out with one of Kevin's CI's. Leo wanted to be on the right side of change, which Kevin knew all too well, and he helped him get into the Academy. The rest was history. Leo had become everyone's surrogate little brother. He loved joining in with the teasing like everyone else.

"Oh, come on Halsteads, it's been weeks since we've all gone out together. Why do you have to be such an old married couple." Leo said to Jay and Hailey while they chuckled and everyone else cracked up.

"We'll meet you guys at the bar later tonight. We have to go shopping for our vacation first." Hailey said while grabbing her light hoodie off the back of her chair. Even though it was almost Summer, it had still been chilly that morning. Jay shrugs in agreeance with Hailey as he grabs his keys off his desk.

"C'mon Jay, you really gonna let her be the boss of you like that?" Leo asks.

"Oh no, dawg.' Kevin shakes his head at him and holds back a grin.

"Don't even bother, Shaw, Upton here has had Jay whipped since 2017." Adam joked as he was passing Hailey and had to jump out of the way as she raised her foot to kick him.

"I do not!" … "She whips in the bedroom too!" Hailey and Jay exclaim at the same time.

"Oh my God, Jay, TMI! We'll see you guys later, take your time… and leave the whip at home, please!" Kim laughs and rolls her eyes as she rallies the three guys out of the bullpen.

"Just for that, you're so not getting laid today." Hailey jokes to Jay as they make their way to the garage out to his truck.

"Pfft, please, you know you can't resist or live without my loving!" Jay shoots right back as he unlocks the truck.

A quick flash of something Jay doesn't recognize crosses Hailey's face, but just as soon as it appeared it's gone and she's giving him one of her signature smirks. She tries to hold back her eyeroll and simply replies, "This is true!"

Jay starts driving towards the downtown of Elmhurst, where they bought a house six months prior. It took a little bit longer to get to work now, but they had both agreed they were done with the hustle and bustle of city life. The burbs made sense since they had been thinking about maybe starting a family soon. They wanted the space and a full yard of their own. Plus, with the money they made off of Hailey's townhouse, they really didn't have to stretch their means for a down payment.

The ride so far had been quiet as they were both enjoying the music and the scenery of Spring life, kids playing and people bustling along the streets. Three years removed from the dreaded year that was 2020, it was still nice to see life back to normal. Mundane activities with others were never taken for granted again, especially by Jay and Hailey who had witnessed so much as first responders. It's not until they're on the outskirts of the town center that Jay starts talking. He reaches his hand over the console to grab Hailey's.

'I can't believe we get two weeks off soon. We haven't had that much time off since our honeymoon."

"Mmm, yeah, it's going to be nice. It'll be good to get away from it all for a bit."

"Definitely. So I know we're going shopping for some cool things to take, but you know, if you want to just keep that same bikini you wore in Greece, I wouldn't be opposed to it." He grins and winks at her.

Hailey's mouth drops open wide and she tries to stifle her laugh. "JAY! I can NOT wear that bikini here in Lake Michigan. No way!"

"I never said you had to wear it to the lake!" Jay teases and Hailey playfully punches his arm as they both laugh.

He parks the car and they make their way out to walk around. Their first stop is a quick bite to eat at one of their favorite pizza shops. It was no Bartolli's or Lou's, but it was pretty damn good. Next, they made their way to one of the department store chains to do the bulk of their supplies and stocking up for whatever they may need for their vacation house rental. They were loading the truck up when Hailey noticed the hardware store across the street.

"Hey, why don't you stop in there and see if they have the saw you want to trim the back tree?" Hailey pointed to the store.

"Oh, good idea. Want me to start the car so you can play the radio?' Jay asks.

"Nah. I actually think I'm going to check out that cute boutique shop while you're in there. I'll meet you back in a few."

Jay reaches out his hand up her arm and their fingers run down each other's until they lace together at the end as the start walking away from each other. "Hey, if that shop happens to have that scented potpourri you used to put out at the old place, even though it's too flowery, I wouldn't mind it. I'm just saying." Jay grins at her and Hailey rolls her eyes with a smile.

"I always knew there was a sensitive mushball under that rugged, army demeanor." She teases.

"I'm gonna go buy a saw now. Then later we can go shoot things before I pound manly beers at the bar." He yells down the street as they both make their ways to the separate shops. He watches his wife's blonde ponytail bob back and forth as she walks away and he just knows he made her laugh.

Five minutes later Jay is walking back to the truck empty handed. The store didn't have the saw he really wanted and there was no sense wasting money on something else he didn't need. He took out his keys to unlock the truck, but then decided he was going to meet Hailey in the shop. He thoroughly enjoyed teasing her when her secret girlie side came out. She didn't show it very often and he loved every minute that she did. He was maybe 50 feet away from the shop and glancing down at his phone quickly to view the group pic the team had sent, the guys looking tipsy already with Kim, Voight, and Platt jokingly looking on disapprovingly. He was just about to respond when he heard a loud clicking and right as the hairs on the back of his neck stood up in memory reflex, he watched one of the shops explode into flames. He instinctively knew it was the one Hailey had been in, dropping his phone and keys on the hard street as he started screaming and sprinting towards the inferno.

"HAILEY!" his scream was blood curling, hysterical, and incessant.

He was maybe five feet away and literally about to run inside without a second of thought to his life when three guys from the hardware store chased after to stop him. Jay was about to storm inside and it took every bit of strength of all three men to pull him back. It would be certain death for him and the men knew there was nothing left inside that would be able to be saved. Any life that had been inside was lost. They stared at him sympathetically and with a hint of tears in their own eyes as he flayed against them screaming and crying, his wife's name falling from his lips over and over. It wasn't until natural shock took over Jay that he stopped fighting them. By the time he did the sounds of sirens were getting louder and louder and the street was surrounded by onlookers.

Jay dropped lifelessly to his knees on the cold pavement of the street. The setting sun mixed with the flames and ash making for an eerily scenic scene, like something out of an apocalypse movie. Police and firemen were circling around the shop and pushing everyone back by now, but they couldn't get Jay to move, and something told them maybe they should give him this. Jay had lost all feeling in his limbs and he kneeled there motionlessly, tears streaming down his face, his mind completely lost with no acknowledgment of anything happening around him. He stayed like that even as Voight had arrived nearly an hour later with the team, his boss gently repeating his name over and over like a mantra. "Jay, Jay, c'mon, let's get you home. Jay, Jay, please, Hailey wouldn't want this." Kim and Trudy hysterically crying on the side as Leo holds onto them, tormenting hurt in his young eyes as well. Jay stays like that until Adam and Kevin join Hank and have to physically lift him up together. He's so catatonic it takes everything they have to carry him to the backseat of Hank's jeep. Trudy gets in the back with him, trying to hold and comfort him as they all make the trip to Med. Maybe getting him to his brother or doctors he's close and familiar with can help some. But the only thing Jay can see and hear are the flames, and _his everything_ burning up with them…

* * *

_[A/N: Don't hate me, please! I promise… well, I don't promise anything, just bear with me! This story will be all Jay's story, slightly different than my norm, but Hailey's presence will be felt throughout. I know where this is going, but not sure how many chapters it will be yet. I will get back to update my "Feelings" one with the season 8 episodes thus far, hopefully before holiday hiatus ends. Until then, hope you enjoy this dark and windy road I've veered on… Be well!]_


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a month now since that dreaded day. To say Jay was dealing with everything worse than when he'd spiraled in the past: returning from the army, PTSD resurrecting soon after Hailey had joined the unit, the death of his mom, his dad, etc. was an understatement of a lifetime. Add into account the fact that two of those four prior things it was Hailey that was there to pull him back, well, it just aided in his misery. He was on leave from work, he could barely function on the regular, let alone as an elite detective. He tried to appease his unit and Will though by going to mandatory sessions with Dr. Charles, but it was moot. He knew it, they all knew it. He spent most days in the same clothes he wore to bed, and by bed meaning his couch since it broke him to sleep in the bed he slept in with Hailey, and by sleep it was the intermittent three hours a night that only happened due to his drunken stupors. He barely ate, hardly showered, he refused to go out unless it was to therapy, and he left more texts and calls unanswered than he returned. Sometimes he found that he would look down at his shirt and it would be encased in vomit, no recollection of when or how it happened, and he hated himself even more because he knows Hailey would be so sad if she saw him like this. So, so sad.

Days after the explosion happened, Voight made sure Intelligence was on the case even though it wasn't their jurisdiction. It was Hailey and another customer who perished that day. The owner had fortunately been taking out the trash in one of the dumpsters out back when it happened. With the size of the explosion, the silver lining of only two fatalities and no injuries was miraculous, but that didn't matter to Jay. Not when he would have sacrificed himself, and the darkest part of him admitting the lives of thousands of others, for _hers_. And then the guilt ate him up even more because those thoughts just reminded him of war, and he tried not to be selfish or biased anymore, but for _her_ , he'd be a selfish bastard in a heartbeat. The investigation revealed that it was the jilted husband of the owner who rigged the store. The irony that he had wanted to hurt the one he lost, instead causing Jay to lose the one he loved… it was enough for answers to it all, but that's all it was. Just an answer. Hailey was still gone. It was nice not to worry about revenge, initially thinking maybe it was somehow a hit on her by a former suspect, but it was also disappointing. At least wanting revenge would be reason to explain the aggressive anger he felt. Instead he was just left with the bitterness of a ' _wrong place, wrong time_ ' scenario. And it makes him remember about how when he was younger, his religious Irish mother would always preach: "when it's your time, it's your time" to explain a death to him and Will… and once death had used her own words against his mother, he HATED that saying. And never more than now. Because Hailey's time wasn't done. He refuses to believe that. They had plans. They had dreams. They had _so much time_ envisioned. His time with her wasn't done and no amount of therapy was going to change that.

The weeks had been a blur. He barely remembers the funeral. Deputy Chief (and Hank Voight's girlfriend of a couple of years), Samantha Miller had given him the flag off of Hailey's casket, and he remembers almost dropping it, his body shaking so hard from the tears. He somewhat recalls Hailey's mother sobbing into his side during the service. Her brothers and even her dad, just completely numb. He knows his unit were the pallbearers and they somehow got him back home that night. But by the time everyone had left the next morning, Jay made sure to get blackout drunk. The days after Voight, and Will, and his team, and Platt had been constantly in and out of the house. Each seemingly taking turns trying to pull him through, really trying to babysit. But the scariest thing about loss is, that even though they were all devastated like him over her death, life still goes on. They all had their own responsibilities to return to too. As much as we want to believe that the world stops with the loss of our dearest loved ones, it doesn't. It was all just as well for Jay; he was tired of the constant attention from people that weren't Hailey. He wanted to be left alone to bask in his misery.

During one of his blackouts, he must have been in a vivid fever dream. He could feel the sun on his face and the soft laughter of Hailey sprawled out at his side. During the week he was always the first to wake, but on weekends it was Hailey who'd wake earliest, patiently waiting for him to rise as she enjoyed every second of watching his peaceful, dreaming form. On his particularly lucky days she'd wake him up with a surprise, her head under the covers as her mouth worked his body. On the average day he'd wake to her body tucked into him, her blonde hair strewn out on his bare chest, tickling him ever so lightly. He felt that again today, and in the distance he swears he heard her chuckle and say his name as he shifted closer to her. He lifted his hand to stroke her hair only to realize it was fingers on his shoulder, those of his brother gently trying to wake him. And he was bare chested because he must have tossed his dirty t-shirt to the floor at some point. His name wasn't being said by Hailey across the bed, but by whispers of the guys across the living room as he was half fallen off the couch.

He came to, to Will staring down at him and Kevin, Adam, and Leo looking depressingly empathetic across the way. He hated it. He hated being pitied. And he had no desire to see any of them, but he knew it would be a losing battle.

"What are you guys doing here? How'd you get in?" he bites at them, trying not to be mean, knowing they only want to help, but he's sure he comes off it anyway.

"I used my key." Will explains, giving no further reasoning.

"How are you doing, brother?" Adam asks.

"We figured we'd come by and see if you wanted to watch the game. The Cubs play at noon." Kevin clarifies.

"We brought beef sandwiches." Leo tries.

"Yeah. I'm not really up for company. Thanks for coming by." Jay says as he walks to the pile of clothes thrown in the corner and tries to find a semi-clean shirt to throw on.

"Yeah… it's not really up for discussion." Will says. "When was the last time you ate something?"

"I don't know. Yesterday at some point."

Will lets it go and the guys try to find somewhere to sit as they turn on the TV. If the past month has taught them a anything, they know not to push him. They just accept the fact that he hasn't tried to kick them out. Jay goes to make coffee and appeases them a bit by eating a few bites of his sandwich. Something that he would have housed four weeks prior and Hailey would have teased him by asking, "did you even chew it?" But nothing tastes the same anymore and who needs an appetite when his nourishment from bourbon suffices just fine. He's made it through the fifth inning with them, half listening to their banter and trying to smile or nod when he sees fit. Afterall, he _does_ cover well sometimes… to most anyway. The one who saw right through it is gone.

"Remember that game we went to where Ruz insisted on buying the sloppiest dogs in the stadium; and while Hailey was eating hers, she somehow missed her mouth, dropping the mustard and toppings all over your jeans?" Kevin asks Jay.

"NOO!" Will says.

Kevin and Adam start laughing as Kevin continues. "Yeah! But the worst part is she felt so bad she tried to clean it off with her hands, blotting it with her napkins, but to anyone around us it looked like she was giving Jay a happy ending. And then he saw people staring and acted like he was enjoying it!"

"I've never seen Hailey turn so red!" Adam says cracking up.

Jay smirks slightly at the memory. She had gotten so angry at him, but he won her over again by the end of the game. And he remembers she delivered in private that night, using the excuse he needed to get out of his jeans so she could wash them. He swallows hard. "Yeah, it was a good game." He agrees and stares off. Then heads back into the kitchen to get more coffee. From there he can hear them whispering behind his back.

"Man, why'd you bring her up? He was doing good." Leo says.

"I'm sorry. I just thought it was a memory that would make him smile." Kevin sighs.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Kev. He has to get out of the denial and anger phase soon. It's good for him to talk about her, even if he doesn't want to." Will states.

Jay closes his eyes hard, jaw clenching, and tries to breath deep. Pretending to appease them isn't working. Nothing is working. Hailey is gone and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it. He sneaks some whiskey into his coffee cup and decides he's going to find some excuse to get them out once the game is over. Then he gets to bask in the empty numbness that is his life now…

* * *

_[A/N: Another update before I start delving into the meaty basis of this story. I swear there will eventually be happiness in some form, it won't be all dark & gloomy. Thanks so much for reading, hang tight. Take care!]_


	3. Chapter 3

_[A/N: I've been reading your feedback, and while I can't divulge anymore about Hailey at the moment, like Upstead does, I ask you to trust me. There has and will be little clues along the way. I know this story is darker and sadder than my usual, but I hope it will be worth it in the long run if you give me your patience. Thanks for reading and continuing if you do so!]_

* * *

Another month passes and Jay is pretty much still in the same state. They say grief gets easier with time, and he has found that true in the past, but losing Hailey, it's all too much. It's all still too new. He's trying to drink a little less though. He's not stupid, he knows Hailey wouldn't want this for him. She'd want him to start healing. So he's _trying_ , maybe just a tiny bit, but he is. For her. It's been a couple of weeks now since he woke up in his own vomit, so he's taking that as a win. He knows he's still in a downwards spiral, but whether it's been eight weeks or eight lifetimes, he never sees himself getting over this loss. But again, baby steps, _for her_. Which is how he finds himself at his second appointment with Dr. Charles in a week.

"You're still drinking and you're barely eating. You said less session you haven't even been working out anymore either. Do you think Hailey would want this kind of life for you?" Dr. Charles asks from his office chair. He'd been making as much time for Jay as he can as a favor to Will and Hank. And for Jay and Hailey too. The Intelligence Unit always held a special place in his heart.

"With all due respect Doc, Hailey isn't here. So does it even matter?" Jay replies

"You don't really believe that do you?"

Jay evades the question. "You know, sometimes I swear I still feel her next to me. In a ride in the truck over here. When I'm laying on the couch in the quiet. Even when I step foot in our bedroom to grab more clothes, I expect her to pop her head out from the bathroom door or something. Like she's watching me somehow. Is that weird? I've lost a lot of people in my life, but this? I don't know. It just doesn't feel like she's really gone, you know?"

"Everyone copes with the loss of a spouse in different ways. It's natural for it to maybe seem surreal. Next to the loss of a child, the loss of a partner is the hardest to accept and cope with." Dr. Charles tries to explain.

"So what does is mean when I've lost my partner in every sense of the word then?" Jay asks remorsefully.

"It means you need to continue to let people in and help get you through this…"

Jay swallows back emotion. He's not sure how much he believes that and he really doesn't feel like talking more. He waits out the remainder of the time with short answers and nods. Charles lets him slide with it knowing he'll be back in a few days anyway. No sense in pushing a stubborn Halstead. Jay makes his way back home, making it a point to pick up some food along the way. He's not going to allow himself to wither away entirely. He plops on the couch with a beer, a downgrade from his poison of choice-liquor, and barely tastes the burger he's swallowing down. He turns on the television, not interested in anything that's airing. Maybe it's a horrible idea, but he decides on it anyway. He switches to his YouTube app on the TV and clicks on his wedding video that Adam insisted he record key moments with his phone. The recording gets sloppier and funnier as the night goes on as Ruz progressively gets more drunk, but looking back Jay and Hailey were grateful he did it. He stares at her in her simple white dress on the dance floor, off-beat with the tune, but not caring in the least. Her smile bright and shining, her crystal blue eyes sparkling. And Jay sits on the couch and cries until exhaustion takes over and he passes out.

A couple days later he's surprised by his doorbell ringing. He swears today wasn't one of those days he left unanswered texts. He looks down at his clothes and once he decides that they're presentable enough, he walks over to the door. He opens instantly once he sees that it's Voight. There's no way he'll get away with ignoring him. And for once he's actually kind of glad for the company.

"Sarge, what are you doing here?"

"Haven't heard from you in a few days, so figured I'd stop by. I brought this…" Hank says holding up a bottle of scotch. "Not sure you need it though. But I could use one."

He steps inside and Jay lets out a small laugh. "Thanks." Jay grabs a glass from the kitchen to pour Hank a drink, getting a can of pop for himself, and they make their way to sit in the living room.

"So I've been talking to Will and Dr. Charles, they both still seem pretty concerned." Hank states.

Jay gets defensive, trying not to get too snippy with his boss. "Isn't that violating doctor-patient confidentiality or something?"

"Relax Jay, we're not sharing details about you. We're all just worried. You and I both know Hailey hated seeing you like this. If not to yourself, you owe it to her to try to pull yourself up. I'm not going to lie to you, you're never going to get over it. But you will find ways to get through each day little by little." Hank explains.

For the first time it truly hits Jay that if there was ever a person to know what he's going through, he's sitting right across from him. This man not only lost his wife, but _his son_ too. Jay can't imagine. He knows he'll never get over Hailey, but he can't fathom what it would be like if he lost her child as well.

"How did you do it?" Jay questions.

'You know, I actually have no idea. One day you're mourning and it's all you can feel and then suddenly it's just a dull numbness in the back of your heart and mind. It's always there, but it's manageable as the days go on."

"I was telling the doc how I can still feel her. I just can't believe she's gone."

"Huh. I think we're all living in a bit of denial. Hailey was important to all of us. In a lot of ways, she was the best of us. Which is one of the reasons I came down so hard on her all those years ago. But she wouldn't want us to be in pain over her every day. She'd want us to remember all the good."

"Yeah, I know. It's just easier said than done…" Jay takes a small sip of his pop and sighs.

"I've never told this to anyone before. Not even Al. But there was something that helped me a little bit after I lost Camille. She inspired it actually because she always loved to write. I found what you would call a "grief pen pal."

"A what?' Jay asks surprised and confused.

"It's someone that you write letters back and forth to that also suffered a recent loss. It's a less invasive way of group counseling you could say. You're only dealing with one person at a time, or however many you want, and it's not face to face or verbal, so you both can express your feelings in comfort and help the other. The person I was writing had lost their daughter at the time. It helped both of us a lot, being there for someone who could relate. In fact, we still email on occasion to this day."

Jay looks at his gruff and hard boss in shock. He always knew Hank Voight had a sensitive side, he had seen it plenty over the years when he wasn't out for revenge or blood, but for some reason this still surprises him. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, Jay."

"And you really think this would help me?"

"It couldn't hurt… In fact, it's been so many years now that there's websites online. Grief pen pal networks and such. You can even be completely anonymous if you want. You write up a basic profile and you or whoever else sifts through and sees who they'd most connect with messaging. If it fits you start writing each other. No psychoanalyzing you like a therapist, no expectations… just two people releasing their grief to someone who understands. I think Hailey would think it would be good for you."

"Yeah, I don't know…" Jay rubs his neck in doubt.

"Just promise me you'll think about it. I'll message you a site off my computer when I get home." Hank says, standing to get up and walking over to the sink to put his glass in it.

Jay walks over to the door with him, knowing he's about to leave. "Thanks for the talk, Sarge. And the info. I appreciate it. And I'll think about it."

"Good, good. And Jay, I'm gonna try to stop by every Thursday. So I expect to see that scotch still on the same amount." His boss squeezes his arm comfortingly and smiles at him.

"You don't have to do that. I know you have stuff going on. With work. With Samantha. I don't expect everyone to keep dropping everything for me."

"The only thing I have going on is being here for you, all right?" Hanks stares at him in his heart-to-heart look.

Jay swallows and nods and both men understand. Hank walks down the steps outside and Jay shuts the door. His sergeant really had been the closest thing to a father Hailey and him had in years. And he's grateful for that at least. He makes his way back to the couch and mindlessly turns a game on. A little while later his phone lights up with a new email alert. It's the website Voight promised. Jay sighs and clicks on it. He's not really certain this is his kind of thing, but he does like the idea of a non-face-to-face environment. He had gone to veteran group therapy sessions right when he got back from the army and he hated it. He hated looking in the eyes of others and seeing their pain, or worse them looking into his. He reads through the website description and then ponders for a while. Finally, he clicks on "sign up" figuring if anything, like Voight said, it couldn't hurt. Afterall, he has to want to respond to someone anyway…


	4. Chapter 4

A few days pass since Jay joined the pen pal site Hank had told him about. He hadn't thought much of it. He made a basic profile and skimmed some others, but still, it just didn't seem like it would be his kind of thing. He had already received some messages too, but he let them sit unread in his inbox. What would be the point in two people wallowing in their own miseries? It wasn't until a couple days later, close to when he was about to call it a night and actually attempt to get some sleep, that he received another notification from the site. He was simply going to ignore it, but for some unknown reason he decided to look. And that's when he had to inhale dramatically and sit back into the couch. The sender had kept themselves anonymous like he had done, but it was the profile picture and the caption that drew him in. The picture was of an adorable little puppy, a Rottweiler to be exact, and his heart almost stopped because Hailey had always joked that one day when things finally slowed down for them she wanted to get a dog. And that just so happened to be her favorite breed. And the caption tore at his emotions, "Lost my Best Friend." Before he even realizes it, he's opening the email to read.

_"Dear 'Not Really My Thing,'_

_(Sorry, that portion of your profile stuck out most to me.) I hear that. But someone wise once told me that I should learn to get okay with taking my grief seriously. I don't know why, but I think maybe we can help each other. I noticed that your profile alludes to you being in the force, and I want to say how much I respect that. I've been surrounded by police most of my life, and my best friend actually was an officer. So your basics intrigued me. As my header says, I lost my best friend not too long ago and I'm still just trying to process it. I'm not sure how to cope when in many ways he was my whole world. We did everything together. So to suddenly not have that? It's been rough. I'm not sure of your situation or loss, but something told me I should reach out to you. If you feel like giving this a chance, that's great. If not, no hard feelings, I hope you find peace and comfort somehow. Take care of yourself!_

_Respectfully,_

_'It Couldn't Hurt'"_

Jay reads the letter three more times. It's vague and basic, but for some reason it has this odd pull on him. It just feels familiar in a way, and the way the person signed it, so similar to the advice of Hank (and others in his life when it came to therapeutic options) was just unnerving. He clicks the "reply" option and stares at the screen for who knows how long. Eventually he decides that it's all so stupid and slams his laptop closed. He doesn't know this person. They could be anywhere in the world. For all he knows it could be spam. There's nothing familiar about any of it, he reasons… trying to assure himself, but not entirely sure if it's working. What he does know for sure is he's done thinking about it tonight. He walks over to his medicine cabinet, pops two Melatonin, swishes them down with a swig of bourbon and plops back down on the couch. Finally allowing a semblance of sleep to take hold.

It's hours later when he starts to dream of Hailey. Not his usual tormenting one of watching her stand in a pit of flames and every time he reaches out his hand to grab and save her, some unknown force pushes the pit back. His fingers grazing hers each time, but never able to hold on, until eventually the flames engulf her completely and he wakes in a fit of screams. No, this time they're on the beach. And he can't tell if it's an old memory he's reliving or a new vision he's conjured in his brain. At first he thinks maybe they're somewhere in Europe, since she's wearing that bathing suit he loves, but then he realizes it looks more like the lake. Like where they were supposed to vacation weeks ago if the worst didn't happen. He's laying on a blanket in the sand staring at her as she frolics in the rough waves, clearly enjoying every second of it. She'd always loved the water. Anytime he would tease her about it she'd always get so serious and reason: "it's the Pisces in me." Like that explained everything. He would look at her like she was crazy, because since when the hell did Hailey Upton believe in Astrology? And she'd scrunch up her nose at him and throw her head back in laughter. "It's the mystery, Jay. I can't have you clued in 100% to who I really am. You'd get bored." Teasing him right back with no shame, one of the many reasons she could never bore him. So he watches her enjoy the water every time, falling even more in love with her.

"JAY!" she yells out to him, gently rubbing her belly, which he now notices has a little bump to it against her small frame. "C'mon, he wants you to join us. I swear I can feel him kicking." She beams at him.

He gets up from the blanket and runs down to her, splashing as he gets closer and she shrieks. He gently pulls her close to him and she wraps her arms around his neck. The waves splash around them, and the temperature is cooler than he'd like, but he doesn't care. He has everything he could want right there in his arms. He leans in to kiss her smiling lips and she moans into his mouth as the sun beams down on them. It's otherworldly and he feels such peace in this moment. In the distance he hears ringing, loud and shrill and he pulls away from Hailey to look out to the horizon and see where it's coming from. It's then she slowly starts to fade from his view and the ringing gets louder. He groans in frustration and wakes to his alarm incessantly vibrating on his coffee table. He had set it for his therapy session. He should be angry at being awoken from something that felt so real. Or mad that he had come to realize another dream of Hailey was just that, a dream. Instead, he feels oddly comforted. It's the first he'd felt this way in months. And he can't help but wonder if the familiarity of the letter from the night before had anything to do with it. Without a second thought, he hops up to shower and get ready, forcing it all out of his head.

The next night Hank comes over again as promised. This time the two watch the game in comfortable silence, just enjoying each other's company. It's not until the end of the night that Hank broaches the subject again.

"Did you ever find a pen pal to write?"

"I did sign up for the site, but honestly didn't look through it too much. There was one message that jumped out to me. But I don't know…"

"Jay, you'll never know what's going to help until you give it a shot." Hank reasons.

"Yeah, maybe." Jay considers.

"I can't tell you what to do. But if it was me? I'd consider anything to get me through each day a little easier." Hank states simply.

Long after his boss leaves, Jay considers his advice again. After much pondering, he figures he at least owes it to everyone to cover all bases. That letter for some odd reason has been in the back of his mind the past couple days, maybe it means more than he realizes. It's those thoughts that have him pulling open his laptop and hitting the "reply" button again. This time he starts typing a response.

_"Dear 'It Couldn't Hurt,"_

_You're right. Someone wise once told me too that I should take therapy seriously. And I guess in some way this is a form of that. She would be proud if she could see me writing this now…"_

* * *

[A/N: It's going to start getting lighter from here on out, I can promise you that. Your patience will eventually be rewarded... Thanks to all who are sticking with this, I much appreciate you!]


	5. Chapter 5

It had been almost two months since Jay had started to write his pen pal. In a surprising turn of events, it had started to help him a little. While his sessions with Dr. Charles were good, as well as his time spent with Hank or his brother or his friends, they just didn't seem to aid in his coping as much as writing to someone he virtually (in every sense of the word) knew nothing about. Writing them felt like the first time he read that first letter, oddly familiar. Which was crazy because it seemed like he did most of the typing. He suspected his "pal" was a woman from the United States just from the way they wrote, and brief tidbits here and there, but for all he knew it could have been some 90-year-old man halfway across the world. It was strange how well he had adapted to opening up to them about his grief, he suspects the fact that it's all written and faceless helps… but he honestly hadn't been this open about his emotions with anyone aside from Hailey. That in and of itself is sometimes enough to depress him all over again; four months without her and the ache is still very much present. But since this has done so well for him, he sticks with it.

He's made it a point to get his act together a bit. He's been showering more. He's drastically cut back the drinking. He actually responds to texts and calls in a semi-decent manner now. He keeps the fridge stocked because he knows Hailey would give him a stern talking to if she could see how bare it had been. And he's even upgraded to sleeping in a bed again… the guest room's… because he's still not ready to be in _their_ bed or room without her. He's not sure he'll ever be. He's still on leave from work. But if it's okay with him, Voight and Dr. Charles have given him their blessing to return in a few weeks if his progress continues up. He's not sure how he'll be able to handle going there knowing Hailey won't be around to have his back anymore, but there's a small part of him anxious to return. Wondering if maybe some normalcy will also help him cope in day-to-day. Hank still comes over every Thursday when he can, and Jay will be forever grateful for that little distraction each week. And his district buddies rally him out or come over when they can. Kevin still loves to bring up funny Hailey memories, and he finally finds himself genuinely smiling about them now, instead of reliving them just breaking his heart even more. Speaking of the above, his doorbell rings on a Saturday afternoon and he already knows it's two of them. He opens the door to a smiling Kim and Trudy.

"Thanks for letting us come by, Jay. Hailey kept all the craft baskets here." Kim says after they each give him a hug and walk inside.

"We weren't sure if reminding you about this would hurt too much, but you know that we're here for you." Trudy explains.

"No, it's fine. Please, I want you guys to continue this. Hailey loved doing it and those kids deserve to have fun days like it." Jay states as he grabs them a drink.

Every year Hailey helped out with a charity event sponsoring domestically abused children. It was a day aimed at the kids just being kids, coming from various foster homes or temporary placements before they were unfortunately allowed back into their actual homes. This one day let them be carefree and run around the park, playing various sports and activities, each year having its own theme, making crafts and board games catering to it. The past few years Kim and Trudy had helped sponsor it with her. Hailey's favorite specialty had been handcrafting little board games that the kids could easily take with them, and be able to hide if necessary. So every year the ladies had a girl's night and would get tipsy making all kinds of crazy things for the upcoming event. Jay loved it because he would come home to find them hysterically engaging, and it always made Hailey so happy doing it. Even if it was painful knowing she wouldn't be around for it anymore, there was no way he'd let it fall to the wayside when it meant so much to her.

"We can just grab the baskets and go if you think it will be too much for you?" Kim says gently as they all hover around the kitchen island.

"Please stay. Actually, I was gonna ask if I could join you? I can still hear Hailey teasing me for my craft making skills, because they suck, but I think it would make me feel close to her again. Like she's here with us."

"Of course, Jay. Anything you want!" he catches the welling of tears in Trudy's eyes that she tries to hide as she responds.

"Yeah, absolutely! A man's touch would be awesome… and let's face it, your skills are not nearly as bad as Adam's!" Kim jokes, lightening the mood for all.

"Great, I'll go grab the stuff. Set up wherever you want." Jay says as he starts making his way to the basement.

A few hours in, and despite the elephant in the room of the original host no longer with them, the three are having a great time. Kim and Trudy's crafts are way more presentable than Jay's, but the kids will love them regardless. They have a fun trip down memory lane and Jay is even enjoying them get slightly wine drunk as he sticks to pop. They're not nearly as tipsy as they were in the past, but it's clearly been a rough few months for all. He's happy he agreed to this and let them come over.

"You've seemed a little better recently. Have your therapy sessions been helping?" Trudy asks at some point.

"They're going okay. I'm not really sure if therapy could help me through a loss like this. But Voight had told me about a grief pen pal service, and I've been talking to someone dealing with their own loss. For some odd reason, it's been comforting. Not that you guys and everyone haven't been great, but this has allowed me to open up in a way I didn't think I could."

"That's good, Jay. That's really good. Hailey would be proud." Kim smiles at him.

"Yeah, I think so." He nods and gives them a small grin back.

They stay for another couple of hours before Mouch, Trudy's husband, comes to pick them up. And while tonight had been bittersweet, Jay's feeling peaceful. So much so that he feels like sharing it, and before he even realizes it he's opening up his laptop and typing up a letter.

_"Dear 'It Couldn't Hurt,'_

_Two mutual friends of my wife and I came over tonight. Every year she helped to sponsor a charity event and they would all make things to give out to the kids. I wasn't sure if I wanted them here at first, who wants to relive that kind of memory without her, you know? But then I realized this was a part of who she was, and not having that anymore would be even more painful. So I helped them put stuff together and in a weird way it felt like she was there with me. Don't get me wrong, she would probably make fun of everything I made, because Craftsman I am not, but she would have loved that I put my heart into it. I can't fathom being able to do something like this without her months ago, maybe even weeks ago, but it's getting easier to try to live the life I know she'd want for me. I still see her in everything I do. Even something as simple as brewing a pot of coffee, I swear I still feel her sneaking up behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist. Is that normal? I don't know. I guess I felt that way after my mom passed, but not to this extent. But instead of it tearing me apart inside like it first did in May, it's strangely soothing. I'm just scared for when the day comes that I can't feel her anymore… I don't know how I'll be able to handle that._

_Anyway, I feel like I'm always rambling on to you, which trust me, is a rarity. I love that you've been helping me, but I also don't want to be a burden. I can help too, so please feel free to go on a venting spree if you need as well. I just realized it's been a couple months since we first started talking and I don't even know what exactly happened to your friend. Please don't feel obligated to tell me. You don't owe me anything, and if you're still uncomfortable talking about it I totally understand. Hope everything else is well, considering._

_-J.H."_

Jay sends the letter and is surprised to find he has a response back within a few minutes. Oh, what Saturday nights have become.

_"Dear 'Not Really My Thing,'_

_I keep meaning to ask, is it annoying that I keep calling you that? I think it's great that you're keeping your wife's traditions and memories alive. She sounds like she was a great person who would be so happy that you're trying to continue living life in the best way. And really, how bad can your crafts be? Actually, don't answer that. It was never a forte of the males in my life either. I don't think it's odd that you can still feel her presence. Maybe she's watching over you somehow? Religion was never really my thing, but I know most mainstream ones believe in that kind of stuff. Whatever gets you through the day… isn't that what we've been telling ourselves?_

_As for me, don't feel bad, I'm more of a listener. Reading you talk about your wife is strangely comforting to me with my loss. My friend always knew I could be reserved, which is why we got along so well I think. He was one of the few people I let in to my darkest moments. I don't mind discussing the loss, it's just the suddenness of it is still affecting me. I had to let him go. The doctors made it abundantly clear there was no coming back from it… but that's enough about me for today, I'm glad you had such a great night. Talk soon!_

Jay reads it over again, and for the thousandth time he thinks how similar their situations seem to be. Completely different losses, but buoying on the same wave. How crazy to find such a connection to someone like that again. He decides to go to bed before he overthinks it too much. For the first time in a while he realizes tomorrow is another day.

* * *

_[A/N: By the way, grief pen pal networks are legit. It was just an idea in my head, but then I looked it up figuring what doesn't exist at this point? And sure enough there are websites along these lines. In case this could be someone dealing with a loss' kind of thing. Figured I'd pass on since this year has been rough for all!]_


	6. Chapter 6

A few weeks later Jay finds himself back at work. He had been doing so well that everyone thought it was time, even his pen pal. He was still a little uncertain himself, but he knew he had to get back up on the horse eventually. It was strange and painful getting ready without Hailey there, and even worse driving in without her, but he managed to suck it up. He knows she would be shocked he took off this long. He hardly ever missed work, not even after his father died. It was the right move, it was definitely time. He brought in coffee with his mug from home, he couldn't bring himself to stop at his and Hailey's favorite shop. A treat they had allowed themselves twice a week, or on particularly hard cases.

When he arrived Platt was so thrilled to see him that she even buzzed him up so he didn't have to maneuver his coffee cup and paperwork and had nothing but rare pleasantries. It was no different when he arrived upstairs. Taking in a deep breath before he approached the final step. He hadn't been up there since right after Hailey died. But it was as if his team knew he'd be nervous and upset and scared, so they all stood back from the entrance waiting for him donning a huge "Welcome Back" sign. Kim, Kevin, Adam, Leo, and even Voight, smiling brightly at his return. He took a moment to give each of them hugs as they all gave their warm wishes and sentiments at being glad he was back.

When the excitement finally dissipates, he braces himself for what he feared most of all- the layout. He wasn't sure he could handle sitting across from Hailey's empty desk day in and day out, not having her smirking, beautiful face to look at any time he wanted or needed. But he knew it would hurt even more if her desk was gone completely, it would really make this whole horrible nightmare seem even more real. Luckily, his coworkers seemed to know his thoughts again because they had rearranged everything. Jay's desk was now across from Adam's towards the front of the room, and somehow they maneuvered Hailey's into the corner. Tucked away in dedication, nearly untouched aside from a few things Kim had packed up to give him months back. He remembered how quickly the department came for Al's after he was killed, so he doesn't know how they accomplished keeping a spare empty in the room, but he's eternally grateful. He suspects Platt must have had something to do with it. Not wanting to get too emotional, he gets settled into his desk and tries to listen intently as they all fill him in on anything important he needed to be caught up with. The day goes by slow case-wise, but somehow quick, and he's happy about that. Taking that first step is always hardest. Before he signs out for the day, he makes his way into Voight's office and closes the door.

"What's up, Jay? Everything go alright today?" Hank asks.

"Yeah, all good. I just wanted to thank you, Sarge."

"For what?" his boss eyes him questioningly… of course he has a lot to thank him for, but this moment is not apparent.

"For not filling Hailey's spot yet. I know with me gone you must have been short-handed more often than not, and I just wanted to let you know how much it means to me that you didn't replace her."

"Jay, Hailey will never be replaced… not in this unit, and certainly not on the impact she had on our lives."

Jay nods back at the older man in understanding and feels himself get chocked up, swallowing hard. It had been an emotional day, but he's glad he got through it as well as he could.

* * *

More weeks drift by. It's honestly crazy how time seems to drag, but congruently move swift as well. One minute it feels like it's been a day and the next feels like a decade. Halloween has come and gone so he managed to get through his first major holiday (aside from the random Summer ones) without her. It hadn't been easy, but he got through it. He actually spent it at Molly's with his team and Will and all of the other first responders who had off. He knows he has a lot of owing to his pen pal for much of these trying times.

_~ "…Halloween was secretly my wife's favorite holiday. She would never admit it to most people, but when the opportunity arose she loved that it gave her a chance to dress and show her entirely goofy side. With work we didn't always get to celebrate it, but boy when we did she would go all out. She'd find the silliest costumes and sometimes would try to drag me into wearing them with her, even before we were together. I put up a stink, but I secretly loved it too, anything to see her so happy. I think sometimes she acted like a big kid because she didn't always get to when she was one, so I loved being a part of her happy memories as an adult. I don't know if I'm ready for this one to come without her…" ~_

_~ "…Halloween is a great holiday. My friend absolutely hated it. We would always try to get him into the spirit, but he could definitely be a grumpy pants sometimes. Personally, I think he just didn't want to give up his cool persona. If your wife loved the holiday so much, I'm sure she would hate that it was bringing you such heartache. Maybe do something in her memory? Dress silly. Spend time with friends. I'm sure she wouldn't want you sulking alone. I know I'm going to go out and get dressed just to spite my friend. I'm sure he would find it hilarious if he was still around. We should keep living like they'd want us to…" ~_

After that the weeks fly by again, as they tend to do during this season; and Jay continues to get closer with his new-found friend. He still doesn't know all that much about her (he's certain by this point it's a "her.") But he kind of likes it that way, leaving the mystery doesn't make it seem like he's connecting with an actual person. As strange as that sounds. If he thinks about it too much, he starts to feel guilty. Like he's emotionally cheating on Hailey by finally opening up to someone else who isn't her. He knows it's silly because no matter what she would want what's best for him, since she can no longer be. But he still can't squelch it. Which is why it's been great knowing so little about his companion. Sure, she may know drastically too much about him at this point, but he can live with that. It's not like he's told her his full backstory, just his Hailey story… and that's a story he'll be glad to tell time and time again. Maybe that's why it's been so easy opening up to her? Because he gets to relive Hailey's legacy with someone who never knew her? Or maybe it is as simple as them connecting over their shared loss. Whatever, there's no point in questioning it too much now.

He somehow finds a way to make it through Thanksgiving. He spends it with Will and his fiancé and Hank and his grandson who is in town to visit him. Olive, Hank's former daughter-in-law dropped him off before going to visit with her family. It was small and quaint, but nice, and just as Jay needed it. The past few years he had spent it at one of Hailey's brother's house and their extended family, with Will joining when he could, so less was better this year. Hailey's brother had still invited him of course, but he just didn't think he'd be ready to handle that. With the holiday season officially kicking off, it was starting to set in for Jay that he'll be alone. He won't have Hailey to decorate with, or cuddle while she forced him into watching cheesy Christmas movies, or wake up to on snowy days. This next month or so may prove to be his biggest test since he first lost her. He prays he finds a way not to spiral again.

_~ "…Hope you had a great Thanksgiving and weekend. Mine went as well as it could. I spent it with my brother and boss. Very different from what my wife and I used to do, but I think it was just what I needed to get through it. How was it without your friend? It's starting to hit me now that the holidays are upon us and it's going to be a lot to handle going through them solo. On the upside, they say a new year brings new hope… I'm not sure if I really believe all that. Especially now. Always seemed like a bunch of bullshit people preached to feel better about their lives. But, maybe one day I'll be a believer…" ~_

_~ "…Thanksgiving was good, thanks. Quieter than normal, but it gave me a lot of time to catch up on reading and such. I'm not really looking forward to the holidays either, but if we lose hope, then what's really left? My friend was always there for me, good or bad, and somehow I don't think it will ever change. He'll always be with me, just like your wife will always be with you, holidays or not… Anyway, this is a drastic change of subject, but I have to go to a conference in Wisconsin next week. Was thinking maybe I could stop in Chicago while I'm out there. And if so, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe meet up for coffee or something? If you feel like this is crossing a line, I totally understand. Just figured I'd throw it out there since I'll be in the area…" ~_

It's been days since Jay read that last message. He had yet to respond. Part of him was repulsed by it… who did she think she was trying to change this good thing they had going? Was she trying to hit on him? Hasn't it been clear he's not over Hailey? Then sometimes he thinks maybe he's overreacting. For all he knows she could be 75, happily married, with ten grandkids. Alright, so he's fairly certain she's not that old, in fact probably around his age, but she could still be married. Maybe she is legit just trying to be friendly since she'll be in the area. He is a little curious… she has this strange pull on him, and he _hates_ it. Because again, accepting that he's been talking to an actual person just makes him feel guilty. He knows it's completely irrational, but that's why he liked their arrangement. Faceless and nameless, it worked. Now, he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to lose her virtual friendship, but he doesn't know if he's prepared to meet her in person. He absolutely can just explain how he's feeling and decline her offer, but then he wonders if he'll go insane _wondering_. He so wishes he could ask Hailey right now what to do. Which is the most ironic part of all. When he's finally had enough, he goes to the one person who set him on this path to begin with. It's late, but he sees the living room light on as he stands on the porch and knocks, so he knows his boss is still awake.

Hank pulls back the door in surprise. "Jay, is everything alright?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." He stammers.

"Come in!" Hanks says as he goes to grab them both a drink.

"So this pen pal I've been writing, which you know has been great for me, apparently they'll be in the area next week. And they want to know if I'd be willing to meet."

He watches Hank study him, his expression unreadable.

"Huh." His boss says in his typical fashion and then pauses for an extended time. "And you want to know if you should? Meet them that is."

"Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I should. It feels wrong in a way."

"You've connected with this person, right? They've helped you a lot?" Hanks asks.

"They have, yes."

"So maybe it's not such a bad idea." Hank sips his drink and quirks his lip up with a small shrug.

"Really? You think so? Is that would _you_ would do? So soon after losing Camille?"

"We're not talking about me, Jay. And Hailey's been gone for almost 7 months now."

Jay feels himself start to get mad. "So? SO WHAT? 7 months or 7 years? I'm supposed to just move on and forget her?!"

"No, of course not, I'm not saying that, Jay. Agreeing to meet someone that you opened up to like you did Hailey doesn't mean you have to forget her or move on. It could just be as simple and two lost souls reconnecting. What would Hailey want you to do?"

Jay thinks about the question he's been asking himself this whole time. One that he'd already knew the answer to. Hailey would want him to continue his progress. She'd want him to heal… and to sadly move on as much as he could. She'd want him to have a friend like her.

"I think she would tell me what you're telling me…" Jay breathes out softly.

"Then I think you have your answer, Jay. And _trust me_ , I think she'd want this too…" his boss explains gently. Surreptitiously pushing him to go through with it.

They talk a little longer. Hank making him feel better about the situation and also understand that maybe his guilt is making him overreact just a little. Hailey did love him for his incessant guilty conscience and his huge heart, but even she thought it could go too far at times. It certainly had almost cost him his life too many times. And he knows she would tell him to save his life anyway he could now… So when he gets back that night he finds himself going instantly to his laptop and typing out his response:

_~ "…You know what, let's do it…_ "

* * *

_[A/N: There will probably be just one more chapter after this, depending how long it becomes. I was going to continue on, but I don't want to drag it out. Plus, the extra spare time I stumbled upon is coming to an end. Hopefully it will bring the story full-circle and do it justice. Thanks for reading and reviewing!]_


	7. Chapter 7

The days flew by and now it was time for the moment of truth. Jay would finally meet the person who infinitely helped him cope with his loss all these months. He honestly doesn't know how he would have done it without her. Just knowing he had someone he could open up to again without judgement or pity had been plenty. He knows how sad his friends and family were for him, and for themselves, so it was nice to not have to maneuver through all of those emotions as well. Signing up to find this pen pal had probably been the best advice Hank had ever given him.

So now he sits on a bench on the outskirts of Millennium Park overlooking the lake and waits. They had agreed to meet right outside the entrance. Luckily it was a mild day temperature wise for early December in Chicago. He found that he wasn't getting cold at all and he had already been there for a half hour just reflecting on everything and enjoying the peaceful quiet and serenity of the view. He was nervous. He honestly didn't know what to expect from this. He was still feeling guilt for opening up so much to someone that wasn't Hailey, but he also knew he owed this person. This person… he laughs at that because he still had no idea who they were. He finally signed the end of his last letter, "Jay," but when he saw she hadn't done the same, he questioned it. He messaged her again last night:

_~ "Wait, I just realized I still don't even know your name?"_

_~ "I'll tell you my name tomorrow…"_

…was all the girl had said. This whole scenario had been such a help to him that all of his years as a cop and army ranger, he had purposely overlooked those details. Afterall, he had been pretty anonymous himself this whole time. But as he sat there waiting it was starting to unnerve him a little. Why would she need to wait to tell him her name in person? They were going to meet anyway, so he was bound to find out who she really was. Why maintain the secrecy at this point? He started to think back over every interaction they had. Her continually nicknaming him, "Not Really My Thing," being connected to police, _"I had to let him go…," "dress silly"_ -urging him on Halloween, the undercurrent of teasing… it had all been so familiar. And then Hank's words last week hit him like a brick. He had told him this meeting could just be as simple as two lost souls REconnecting. He didn't catch it then, but why would his boss phrase it like that? How do you reconnect with someone you've never met? Why wouldn't he just say: "two lost souls connecting?" or "making a connection." And why had Hank been so adamant with him on doing this the whole time? Sure, he wanted to leave no stone unturned to what would help his longest tenured detective, but he was very confident in this, even when Jay wasn't so sure himself. The dots are starting to connect in a way that Jay doesn't want to think about. Because going there… thinking _that_ , it would give him too much hope. And the last thing he needs is to be setup for heartache again. Hailey's gone, she's been gone, and he's accepted that, he has… except why does it now suddenly feel like maybe she's not? Maybe she has been with him this entire time? And more than just a visionary, supernatural presence. He's trying to talk himself out of these ridiculous thoughts when he hears footsteps behind him, stopping just shy a few feet away. His senses go on high alert, he notices the goosebumps and the hairs on the back of his neck rising, and he _feels_ her before she even speaks. A simple:

"Hey…"

Comes the voice behind him and he feels like he's about to pass out. He'd recognize the softness of that tone anywhere. The one she always used on him. He hears it in the deepest parts of his soul. And he feels the tears start to well up before he even turns around to face her. Because it can't be. He can't be this lucky to be gifted with such a second chance. But he knows he'll be eternally thankful for the rest of his life for it. He finally turns his head and sees _her_. And before he even realizes it he's up and running towards her.

"Hailey?.." he whispers out before they embrace, both in a fit of tears.

He doesn't know how long they stand there, just holding each other. But he knows it will never be enough. After what he's learned over these months, there will never be enough time. And he'll never take it for granted again. He pulls away slightly to look into her gorgeous, tear-filled eyes. And he knows it's not a fever dream. Her face it a little fuller. But it's definitely his Hailey. He leans down to give her a passionate kiss which she happily reciprocates. And when they eventually pull apart to breath, he wraps his arm around her and they walk back to the bench to sit together. When the spell of shock has finally worn off, he finally finds the words to speak again.

"How is this possible? Are you okay? Where have you been this whole time? Why?" he stammers all at once.

She chuckles lightly. 'God, I've missed you! I know it's a lot to take in…" she replies, grabbing his hand.

She seems to need a minute to gather her thoughts and he lets her. He'll let her take a lifetime if she needs, now that he has her back.

"Do you remember Gael Rodriguez? The drug dealer I planted evidence on to get Vanessa's friend his deal?" She manages to get out after taking a deep breath.

"Of course. That guy was a psycho who brutally killed anyone who crossed him. How could I forget? But why does he matter? I thought he was sent away for at least 8 more years?" Jay asks confused, but the pieces slowly coming together in his mind.

"Yeah, well, apparently he made some kind of deal assisted by new reform. He got released last Fall and supposedly he found out it was me who planted his drugs and got him put away. He put a hit on my life, on my _family's_ if need be…" He realizes what she's emphasizing— _you_.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demands. He would have helped. He would have been there with her.

"There was no time. Like you said, he was a psycho. When Voight and the Feds found out they immediately agreed I should go into Witness Protection. Fake my death and make it look like it was all said and done. And the fact that I 'died' in such a brutal way, well that would have been icing on the cake for someone like Gael."

"How'd you guys pull it off? I mean the owner's husband got arrested for that storefront bombing. Someone else died in it."

She shakes her head. "It was all a ruse. The owner agreed to let us use her store because with insurance money and a butt ton of federal aid as a thank you, she would make a goldmine. The 'husband' was an agent, which was all setup too, and there was never another body. Just a story. Although I guess if you count me, there wasn't any dead bodies period that came from it…"

"Wow, and Voight was in on it this entire time? Anyone else?"

"No…" she emphasizes. "Just him. Everyone had to believe I was dead for Gael to believe it."

"I can't believe it. I can't believe he _knew_." Jay says in shock.

Hailey rubs his wrist. "Hey, don't be mad at him. He hated lying to you. Hated seeing you like that, but he had to. It was the only way, Jay…"

Jay laughs slightly in awe. "You knew, didn't you?... You knew I'd read your letter due to the photo, your caption, and your wording?"

Hailey smiles softly at him. "I was hoping… The link that Voight had sent you was encrypted, so it forwarded the profile you made right to me. He told me how bad you were handling things, and it was killing me that I couldn't be there to help you. So we came up with the idea. We all know how persuasive Hank can be when he wants to, so I knew he'd be able to talk you into it. It was the best thing for me, maybe both of us. It was like I was able to look at you through glass. It allowed me to keep my eye on you, I just couldn't touch or reach out; and this way you were protected from Gael and any potential blowout because you couldn't see me. You didn't know it _was me_. It was therapeutic for both of us in a way. I had to be able to be there for you somehow…"

Jay shakes his head in surprise. "I can't believe it worked. Especially on me who is so guarded when it comes to opening up to people. You know, I was actually starting to feel guilty that I had let someone else in who _wasn't you_. Little did I know, I guess."

"Yeah… You were right though. I was proud… so proud of you for opening up despite the pain. I'm so sorry I put you through all this! I heard you came close to risking your life, Jay. You were supposed to be in that hardware store longer…" she chokes out.

"They didn't have the saw…" he shrugs at her sheepishly, like it's not a big deal how close he did come to losing his life.

"I don't know, I don't know what I'd have done if those men didn't stop you from going in. I would have lost it! I can't fathom really losing you. And I'm so sorry because I can only imagine what all these months have been like for you. I'm _sooo_ sorry I put you through this!" she starts to sob.

He pulls her into him again and speaks into her hair. "Hey, no, I'M SORRY. Me? Was it gut wrenching? Of course! But I had everyone around me. You, you were all alone with this…"

She grabs his hand and looks into his eyes again. "I wasn't all alone, Jay."

"Well, of course you got to speak to Voight on occasion." He says confused.

"No, I mean I was never alone…"

She unzips her coat to reveal an enlarged belly and rests Jay's hand on it. His eyes go wide and he feels tears building again. There's no way. He spent these months thinking he lost Hailey for good, and now he not only finds that he gets her back, but they're having a baby as well? Maybe his mother was right to believe in miracles afterall.

"Is this for real?" he gasps in happiness.

She laughs through her tears. "Yeah, yeah it is. I'm almost 8 months. I didn't know before all this happened… had I known I would have fought for something else. Forced them to let you come with me somehow. After I found out, naturally I had to tell Hank. And he was enraged. I knew then that he would find a way for us to get back. Back to you, back to him, back to the team. Find _his_ way somehow. And sure enough… Gael Rodriguez was killed in a drive-by last week. The threat is gone… I didn't ask any other questions…" she drifts off and they both understand what she's insinuating. Hank Voight was Hank Voight, after all. And he fiercely protected those he loved.

Jay practically beams. "So you're back for good? You're _home_? And we're really pregnant?"

"We are indeed. He's due on January 18th." She smooths her hands over his on her belly.

"HE?" Jay murmurs out.

"Mhmm!"

He leans in to kiss her again and pulls her tight against him. They sit there quietly in each other's embrace for a while longer. Just basking in this moment as the sun sets on the lake around them. There's still much to discuss, and a lot of people to fill in, but Jay doesn't care about any of that right now. He has everything he's ever wanted here in his arms and he never intends to let it go again…

* * *

The next month is spent in utter happiness. They shed more tears than most do in a lifetime, between filling in their friends and family, but for the first time since Spring they're tears of joy among all. That first night they kept it to themselves, wanting to just bask in their return to each other. And Jay finally managed to sleep in their bed again. By the end of the week though, they had shocked everyone with the news. Jay had a very sentimental moment with Hank in particular, thanking him for being there throughout it all and for doing everything he did to protect Hailey and him and their future baby. And Jay found that after all the turmoil, he didn't end up alone on the holidays after all. It was like one of Hailey's last letters said: _"if we lose hope, then what's really left?"_ And she had been right. She had to deal with her own sadness of possibly giving birth without Jay and having no idea when he'd actually be able to meet his son, but she had to keep hoping for the best. She prayed for there to be a way she could get back to Jay before the baby was born, and it had come true. And Jay had never been more gleeful to be forced into watching days of cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies cuddled up with her. Before they knew it the new year had arrived, and shortly after that their beautiful baby boy had graced them with his presence…

Hank θαύμα Halstead

(his middle name was Greek for "miracle")

Was born on January 10th at 4:57 in the morning, because leave it to a little Halstead to arrive early in every sense of the word. He brought even more tears along with him, but it was the happiest day of most of their lives… This little guy? He was definitely Jay's kind of thing…

* * *

_[A/N: That's all folks! I know the dark start to this discouraged and upset some, but I hope the ending makes up for that. To those of you who stuck with it, thank you, thank you. I truly appreciate it. One last tidbit, when I came up with the quick, original basis of this a long time ago, it was going to be Jay getting "killed" … but Hailey seems to suffer enough over him in the show and in stories, so it was time for me to delve into what Jay's pain would be like. Thanks again, and cheers to hopefully getting Upstead in January! Be well!]_


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